The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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