Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
