Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
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I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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