I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
