I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish i was in the wii world.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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