I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
