I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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