They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
