he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
