if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
