Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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