I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
