i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
