If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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