So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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