Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
