He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
