If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
