should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
not ubering you a puppy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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