You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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