Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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