Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
