ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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