Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
