I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize