You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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