I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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