I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
