Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
