My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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