If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
