don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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