so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
