i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
