I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
