My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
