I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
