Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
please come you make the beer taste better
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
