You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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