I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Randomize
