This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
