You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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