You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My vagina just clenched in fear
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
