I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
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Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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