if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
