please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
