Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
