Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
