Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Green mimosas i think yes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
