i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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