I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
