He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
