Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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