What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
