i don't like sucking hair
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
