So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
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In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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