So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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