i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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